"The Proverbs of Solomon son of David, King of Israel: for attaining wisdom and discipline; for understanding words of insight; for acquiring a disciplined and prudent life, doing what is right and just and fair; for giving prudence to the simple, knowledge and discretion to the young- let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance- for understanding proverbs and parables, the sayings and riddles of the wise. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and discipline."
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It starts like this.
Frustrated with myself. Angry at my laziness. Angry at my indifference. I want to do so many things! I want to learn so many things! I want to be the best at so many things that there is just not enough time to do everything!!!!
I want to:
Be a national champion.
Be able to solve calculus problems in my head.
Be able to program and write code.
Be able to tell you what happened in any year of history.
I want to be a writer with an insane vocabulary.
I want to study all the elements and learn how to use them.
Learn Spanish, and Chinese and German and Russian and French and Italian and Finnish.
How to take apart an engine and rebuild it from scratch.
I want to play the Piano, and the guitar.
Be able to name of every plant and animal I see and tell you all about it.
Name every firearm I see and tell you what it is best used for.
I want to be a leader.
I want to be a Navy SEAL.
I want to be a husband and a father.
I want to be a Missionary.
I have so many things that I want to do that I'm overwhelmed and I come to the conclusion that it's not possible. So I just sit here and do nothing.
Now what the crap is that? How could I be so ambitious one day, and the next be absolutely indifferent?? It's an unending cycle. Like a Phoenix. A cycle that bursts to life, burning with extreme ambition set on conquering the world and ends in disappointing indifference.
Indifference is worse than hate. When you hate, at least you feel something. And you can then act on the emotion for better or worse. But indifference is absent, cold and dark. Cold, the absence of heat. Dark the absence of light. Indifference the absence of concern/action/thought/motivation/love.
This cycle is getting old. And I feel like i'm not getting anywhere. I'm not learning what I want to learn. I'm not achieving. I'm stagnant. Going through these stupid cycles (all this cycle talk I sound like i'm on a period) while i'm waisting precious seconds that could be used to learn something!!
So here I sit, at the end of a cycle, on my throne of ambition. Deteriorating like a leper king, my body is overcome with this voracious disease, dripping with the oil and the putrid stench of indifference, emanating from the pores of my flesh. I inhale. My lungs, being part of my infected body, inadvertently discharge a whisper of indifference. And as I exhale this volatile, indifference-laced gas into the room, my throne ignites.
So here I sit, at the end of a cycle, on my throne of ambition, wreathed in fiery flame. Every breath I take fuels the flames. They're growing hotter and hotter. Burning faster and faster. The torment is unbearable, yet i'm cooking closer and closer to death's glorious escape. Until finally we are but ashes and dust.
I burn with ambition until I burn with ambition.
It ends Like this.
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Lord, forgive me for being such a selfish person. Help me to always remember that I exist to give you glory at all times and places. Help me to truly understand that my willingness to mirror Jesus is the only source of true happiness. All else is vanity. Father, I pray for wisdom. Thank you for the relationship I have with you, made possible through Jesus' payment of my many sins on the cross. Thank you for your never-ending grace. Thank you for your redeeming love.
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